surrender to God

Where God Has Forgotten

~ Observant Servant ~ Leave a comment

There have been moments in my life where I have truly missed it… not just lightly, but in ways that came from deep places of pain, frustration, and woundedness. In those moments, I have spoken in ways that did not honor those God placed above me. When the weight of it settled in, I knew. I needed to humble myself.

So I did.

I went back. I repented to them, and I repented before the Lord. But truthfully, walking out repentance is not always simple. Sometimes it lingers. Sometimes it feels like the moment keeps echoing long after you’ve laid it down. You feel watched, waiting for the next slip up. If possible, enemy will even take every chance to poke and prod you into more places of pain to make that walk all the more difficult. He delights in your failure and whispers how much of a disappointment you are when it happens.

Over the past few days, I have spent time in prayer and fasting, bringing this before the Lord again and again. Not because I wanted to stay in shame, but because I genuinely desired to be right in His sight. I wanted to change. Yet there was this quiet struggle in my heart… a feeling that I hadn’t truly been forgiven. I had to prove myself.

Then today, in the middle of what felt like endless driving, the Lord met me in such a gentle way.

Right as I was arriving home, I felt His Spirit whisper to my heart: “Audience of One.”

It settled everything.

He reminded me that while I am called to humble myself before others and seek reconciliation, I cannot control whether someone chooses to forgive me. That part belongs to them. What matters is that I humbled myself, that I obeyed, that I came low before Him.

In that place, His forgiveness is not partial. It is not hesitant. It is complete.

I was taken back to the early days of my salvation, when the weight of my past felt overwhelming. I remember feeling like I needed to account for every single sin, as if I had to earn my way back into right standing. The enemy pressed hard with that lie.

But the Holy Spirit spoke something so freeing.. that my sins were cast away, removed, no longer held against me.

“As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.” — Psalm 103:12

“You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.” — Micah 7:19

That is the kindness of God. That is the freedom found in His mercy and grace.

Repentance is not meant to trap us in a cycle of condemnation. It is meant to bring us back into alignment with Him. Once we have truly repented, we are invited to walk forward in humility… not constantly looking backward in shame.

There may be times when others remember what God has already forgiven. There may be moments when it is brought up again, or held against us. But I am learning that I cannot live bound to what God has already released me from. If He says I am forgiven, then that’s it. It is done.

The enemy accuses. He revisits. He replays. He wants you to never live it down. He delights in seeing you broken and hurting. He will drag it out for years if possible keeping you trapped in chains of shame and condemnation.

But God forgives and restores. That’s is why we have joy. It is because HE has forgiven us. The enemy wants you to forget that.

I choose to stay low before Him, to keep my heart soft, to remain teachable… and to trust that He alone sees the full posture of my heart.

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” — 1 John 1:9

Only God truly sees the heart. His mercy is deeper than my failure.

Father, I come before You with a humble heart. Thank You for Your mercy that meets me even in my weakness. Thank You that when I repent, You are faithful to forgive and to cleanse. Teach me to walk in true humility, not in shame, but in surrender. Help me to release the need for man’s approval and rest fully in Your grace. Guard my heart from condemnation, and anchor me in the truth of Your love. Let my life reflect a heart that is continually yielded to You. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Sea of Forgetfulness

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The Illusion of Safety

~ Observant Servant ~ 1 Comment

There are moments when we feel safe simply because everything around us looks calm.

Nothing pressing. Nothing obvious. Nothing threatening.

Yet, Scripture reminds us that not all danger announces itself.

Sometimes it is hidden… quiet… waiting.

That’s what makes presumption so dangerous. It doesn’t feel like rebellion. It feels like ease. Like familiarity. Like confidence that slowly drifts into carelessness.

There have been seasons in my life where everything felt calm. Nothing pressing. Nothing obvious. Nothing threatening. And in that calm, I drifted. Not into obvious sin, but into quiet neglect. Prayer became shorter. Discernment became duller. I stopped asking the Lord before stepping into conversations, decisions, and situations. I assumed I was safe.

But safety without vigilance is not safety at all.

The battlefield does not disappear simply because I’ve grown familiar with it. The enemy does not retreat simply because I carry the name “Christian.” If anything, Scripture calls me deeper into awareness, not away from it. This life was never meant to be lived casually. It was meant to be lived watchfully… prayerfully… dependent.

I was reminded of this through a line that stayed with me:

“The error of ‘assumption’ or ‘presumption’ on a field of battle is catastrophic! Walking casually down a city street where it is ‘presumed’ there are no more enemy insurgents is often a regrettable choice. Similarly, it would be an exceptionally regrettable choice to ‘presume’ that simply because we bear the name ‘Christian’ we can stroll in oblivion through enemy-held territory unscathed.” — Jamie Walden, Omega Dynamics

That truth settles deep.

Spiritually, we are not walking through neutral ground. We are walking through enemy territory that requires awareness… dependence… and discernment. The danger is not always in what I can see. Sometimes it is in what I assume is no longer there.

David understood this tension. He had walked closely with God, seen His faithfulness, known His presence. And yet, he still prayed:

“Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me! Then I shall be blameless and innocent of great transgression.” — Psalm 19:13

That prayer humbles me.

It reminds me that even a heart that loves God can drift if it is not continually yielded. That I am not above blind spots. That I am not immune to subtle compromise. Presumption says, “I’m fine.” Humility says, “Lord, keep me.”

There is a difference between confidence in God and carelessness in His presence. True confidence draws me closer. It keeps me listening. It keeps me dependent. Presumption distances me. It assumes I already know, already see, already understand.

But I don’t.

I don’t want to walk through enemy territory with my guard down, assuming I won’t be touched. I don’t want to rely on yesterday’s obedience to carry me through today’s battles. I don’t want to confuse familiarity with faithfulness.

What I want is to remain aware. That is the posture I want to carry.

I want to walk with a quiet sensitivity to the Holy Spirit, to pause when He nudges, to pray before I proceed and to stay teachable, even in places I think I’ve already mastered.

The safest place is not where I feel strongest. It is where I remain most dependent.

Maybe that is the invitation hidden in all of this… not to live in fear of the battlefield, but to live in constant awareness of the One who walks with me through it. To trade presumption for surrender. To trade assumption for attentiveness. To trade casual steps for intentional ones.
The illusion of safety is often where vigilance fades.

I don’t want to walk casually through places where I should be prayerful. I don’t want to rely on yesterday’s strength for today’s battle.

I want to stay close. Listening. Aware. Led.

Lord, keep me from the quiet drift into presumption. Where I have grown casual, awaken me again. Teach me to walk watchfully, to remain dependent, and to stay close to Your voice. Guard my heart from what I cannot see, and lead me in truth. Let me not mistake familiarity for safety. Keep me near, keep me aware, and keep me faithful. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Illusion of Safety

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When God Doesn’t Expedite

~ Observant Servant

I didn’t expect a simple comment in conversation to stay with me the way it did.

“You can’t pray hard to get express shipping on God’s timing.”

It wasn’t said harshly. It wasn’t meant to correct me. But it settled into my thoughts in a way that felt… exposing. Not because it was wrong, but because it quietly touched something I’ve wrestled with more than I like to admit.

There have been many moments in my walk with God where my prayers carried more urgency than surrender. Not just asking… but hoping something would shift faster because I was asking more intensely. As if persistence could speed up what God had already set in motion.

I don’t think that came from a place of unbelief. I think it came from longing.

There is a kind of ache that comes with unanswered prayer. Not the kind rooted in doubt, but the kind rooted in hope. The kind that knows God can do it… and wonders why He hasn’t yet.

And somewhere in that tension, I’ve had to confront something in my own heart.

Was I trusting God… or was I trying to manage His timing?

Scripture has a way of gently exposing what we don’t always want to see clearly.

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” — Ecclesiastes 3:1

A time. Not my time. Not the time that feels most comfortable or most logical. His.

That’s where deep faith begins to look different than I once imagined. It’s not just believing that God will answer. It’s believing that His timing is not a delay… it’s part of the answer. That can be harder because delay feels like silence if we’re not careful.

But Scripture reframes that too.

“The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward…” — 2 Peter 3:9

What I sometimes interpret as slowness… God calls patience. What I sometimes experience as stillness… God may be using as preparation.

There have been prayers in my life that, looking back now, I’m grateful were not answered quickly. Not because they were wrong prayers, but because I wasn’t ready for the weight of what I was asking for. Or because God was doing something deeper than the request itself.

And that’s the part we don’t always talk about.

God doesn’t just answer prayers. He forms people. So sometimes the waiting isn’t about withholding. It’s about shaping.

“But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.” — James 1:4

There is a work happening in the waiting that I would have missed if everything arrived when I wanted it to. Yet, this doesn’t mean we stop praying with urgency or desire. Scripture never tells us to become passive or detached. Jesus Himself spoke of persistence in prayer.

“Men ought always to pray, and not to faint.” — Luke 18:1

So it’s not that we stop asking. It’s that we release the timeline. There is a difference between pressing into God… and trying to pressure His hand.

One is rooted in relationship. The other can sometimes be rooted in fear. Fear that if it doesn’t happen soon, it won’t happen at all. But deep faith doesn’t rush God.

Deep faith rests in Him.

Even when the answer hasn’t come. Even when the door is still closed. Even when the silence stretches longer than expected. Deep faith trusts that God is not just hearing the prayer… He is holding the timing.

“Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.” — Psalm 27:14

There is strengthening that only comes through waiting. Not passive waiting. Not discouraged waiting. But surrendered waiting. The kind that says, “Lord, I trust You not only with the outcome… but with the process.” That kind of trust doesn’t come overnight. It’s learned. Slowly. Sometimes painfully. But faithfully.

I’m still learning it. Still catching myself when I try to rush what God is carefully unfolding. Still being invited back into that quiet place of trust where I remember… He is not late. He is not withholding. He is not unaware.

He is God.

And His timing is not something to fight against… it’s something to rest inside of.

“He hath made every thing beautiful in his time…” — Ecclesiastes 3:11

In His time.

Not rushed. Not forced.

But beautiful.

Lord,

I come to You honestly, with all the places in my heart that still want to rush what You are doing. You see the prayers I’ve prayed, the things I’ve longed for, the answers I’ve hoped would come sooner. And yet, You have remained steady, faithful, and unchanging.

Teach me to trust Your timing, not just Your ability. Help me to release the urge to control what was never mine to control. Where impatience has taken root, replace it with peace. Where fear has whispered that delay means denial, remind me of Your promises.

Strengthen my heart in the waiting. Form something in me that could not be formed any other way. Let my prayers come from a place of relationship, not pressure. From surrender, not striving.

I trust that You are not late. I trust that You are working, even when I cannot see it. And I choose to rest in Your timing, knowing that You make all things beautiful in Your time.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

expectancy of answered prayer

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The Gift of Hate: A Forgotten Weapon for Christian Freedom

~ Observant Servant

There is a kind of language in Scripture that feels strong, almost uncomfortable at first glance.

“Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good.”
— Romans 12:9

That word abhor isn’t mild. It isn’t polite. It means to recoil. To reject something with conviction. And if I’m honest, there have been seasons when I’ve tried to follow Christ without fully embracing that part.

I’ve loved what is good. I’ve pursued growth. I’ve prayed for freedom. But I’ve also, at times, tolerated what God clearly calls harmful. Not because I wanted rebellion, but because some things felt familiar. Some compromises felt small. Some habits didn’t seem urgent enough to confront.

And yet Scripture doesn’t suggest a casual relationship with sin. It doesn’t say “be cautious around evil.” It says abhor it.

That challenges me.

Because this isn’t about hating people. It’s not about harshness or condemnation. It’s about recognizing that sin destroys what God loves. And if I truly love what He loves, I cannot stay neutral toward what harms it.

Psalm 97:10 says, “You who love the Lord, hate evil.”

Love and hate feel like opposites to us, but in this context they’re deeply connected. If I love freedom, I will hate what enslaves. If I love truth, I will hate deception. If I love the people in my life, I will hate whatever seeks to wound or bind them.

I’ve come to realize something uncomfortable: sometimes we stay stuck not because we lack prayer, but because we haven’t fully decided we’re done.

Sin can feel good for a moment. Compromise can feel manageable. Certain patterns can feel like home simply because they’re familiar. And familiarity can dull conviction.

There were times in my own walk when I tried to “manage” certain weaknesses instead of confronting them. I would ask for strength while still secretly tolerating the very thing that kept me bound.

Freedom didn’t begin until tolerance ended.

Hebrews 12:1 tells us to “lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us.” That language is intentional. Lay it aside. Not negotiate with it. Not rename it. Not make peace with it.

Lay it down.

I’ve learned that holy hatred is not loud or dramatic. It’s a quiet resolve. It’s the moment when something in you says, “This is not who I am in Christ anymore.”

It sharpens discernment. Things that once felt gray become clearer. It changes how you pray. You begin praying not casually, but with conviction. You begin asking God to uproot, not just manage.

And yet, even here, humility matters.

Because this is not about self-righteousness. It’s not about looking at someone else’s struggle and feeling superior. It’s about standing before God and saying, “Search me. If there is anything in me that grieves You, I don’t want it.”

Hebrews 5:14 speaks of having our senses trained to discern good from evil. That training happens in the Word. It happens in surrender. It happens when we stop softening language around sin and start calling it what it is.

But we must be careful.

We hate the sin. We never hate the person.

Jesus was unwavering toward evil, yet tender toward the broken. He confronted bondage without crushing the bound. That balance humbles me. I don’t want a heart that is hard. I want a heart that is aligned.

The more I love God, the more I want to love what He loves and reject what diminishes His work in me.

Romans 12:9 does not stand alone. It pairs two commands together: “Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good.”

It is not enough to reject darkness. We must cling to light. Not loosely. Cling.

If there is something in your life that still quietly holds you, maybe the invitation isn’t to try harder. Maybe it’s to become honest enough to say, “Lord, I am tired of this. I don’t want it anymore.”

The day you stop excusing what binds you is often the day freedom begins to feel possible.

Not because you are strong, but because you have decided you agree with God.

And agreeing with Him is always the beginning of liberty.

Father,

Search me gently.

If there is anything in my heart that I have tolerated simply because it felt familiar, bring it into the light. If I have grown comfortable with what You call harmful, awaken me. I do not want to manage what You desire to remove.

Teach me to love what You love and to reject what diminishes Your work in me. Not with harshness. Not with pride. But with clarity. With conviction. With humility.

If there are patterns that still bind me, give me the courage to call them what they are. If I have excused what You have warned against, forgive me. I don’t want partial freedom. I want wholeness.

Lord, purify my loves. Align my heart with Yours. Let my agreement be with truth, not temptation. Strengthen my resolve where I have been weak. Soften my heart where I have grown indifferent.

And as I turn away from what harms, draw me closer to what heals. Help me cling to what is good. Help me rest in what is righteous. Help me remember that Your commands are not burdens — they are protection.

Make my life clean before You. Not performative. Not self-righteous. Just surrendered.

I want to walk free.

In Jesus’ name,
Amen.

gift of hate

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