Prayer

Baptism Do-over

~ Observant Servant

Growing up I had been baptized a couple times as a teen. But I just did it because I was in a group of kids who were doing it. It was “the cool thing” to do as part of a youth group. The parents lined us all up and like ducks in a row and one by one we marched up one side of the baptismal, got dunked, and exited the opposite side in front of the congregation. I didn’t remember anything else about it other than getting a free t-shirt afterward.

Fast forward to December 2020, I had it on my heart to get baptized for real this time. However I had much anxiety about the prospect of it. I was in love with Jesus and I was fully aware the meaning behind it. However, as the days led up to it, I had no excitement. I was losing sleep and being plagued with panic attacks.

December 13, 2020 I stood in on the stairs to the baptismal shaking from intense fear as the announcements were read at the church. Waves of dizziness washed over me and I had nearly passed out at least twice. Were it not for the white-knuckled vice-like grip I had on the hand rail, I would have fallen down the stairs. As they announced my name, I entered the baptismal, trembling in fear. My expectation was that it would be washed away when I came up from the water. However, to my dismay, after being dunked, I found I was still unable to escape the fear. I felt ashamed and confused. I didn’t understand.

Where was the joy? Where was the freedom I witnessed others experience during this public commitment to Christ? Why didn’t I have it? Was I broken? Was there something wrong with me?

I left church feeling like I had lost something though I couldn’t put my finger on it. In the days to weeks that had followed, the more I replayed the day in my mind, the more depressed I became. I imagined Father and the angels had watched me that day with expressionless faces.

I continued to think on this a lot through the following years. I had attended other baptisms and witnessed the joy and joined in the celebration of others as they made their public announcement to dedicate their lives to our Lord and Savior. Each time I felt more confused as to why I didn’t have that experience and my depression grew due to my lack of understanding. Eventually I didn’t want to be a part of these celebrations anymore.

Then yesterday I was at the Carter’s and it was announced that Charlie was going to be baptized. My initial thought was to just leave because I didn’t want to be reminded of my own perceived failed baptism again. But I didn’t want to be rude or offend anyone so I stayed. As he and his wife were baptized, I witnessed the peace and joy that fell over them and again my confusion about my experience rolled around in my head. I was happy for both of them but inside my heart was longing for the same experience. And when Bro Mike joyfully asked “who’s next?” the desire hit my heart but I kept my silence. I was dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt and had not brought a change of clothes.

As Bro Mike looked at each person for takers, the Lord reminded me of Acts 8:26-39 when Philip had baptized the eunuch on the road. Water was available and he had seized the opportunity.

When Bro Mike’s eyes landed on me, I felt the familiar fear rise up in me again. I also felt waves of shame and humiliation that I even needed it again. Thoughts filled my head in rapid succession. “I was on the ministry team. I should have it together. I was going to look foolish. I’ll lose respect.” The enemy bombarded my mind using my voice.

Initially I declined. Again, I wasn’t prepared. I had no change of clothes and I’m not exactly at a size where I could just borrow some. But then I was reminded again to seize the opportunity. So I shoved the thoughts out of my mind in determination and hope that this time would be different.

As I stepped into the pool, I felt the fear manifest again. I almost started to cry. Two steps in I felt myself hesitate. The thoughts started coming. “Was I really going to put myself through this torment again?” But I recognized these were not my thoughts.

I felt my body stiffen as I was lead into the pool. I was trying to keep from shaking. I didn’t want the fear I was feeling to show. Bro Mike instructed me to relax and when I did, the fear that had been hiding rose up. I felt the terror and it wanted to get out of the pool. As they did a prayer of deliverance my entire body started shaking and I started crying thinking “oh no, not again”. I wanted to be free of this fear so badly. I kept thinking “Lord please help me”.

There was a point where I did lose control and the fear demon tried to bolt bolt in an attempt to get me out but gratefully, both Mikes had a tight hold on me and kept it from happening.

It was a battle but when it finally left, I knew for a fact it was gone. I felt it lift off me. So on June 22, 2024, this time when I went under, I felt the joy that I had been missing. I felt the peace of God and it stayed with me. 🙌🏻❤️

Deliverance is such an integral part of the Christian walk. When I was baptized before, I didn’t know anything about deliverance. The church didn’t practice it and though I was fully committed to Christ, I was still in torment. It was an angry strongman of fear that was manifesting during that baptism but because the church was unaware, it was not recognized as the issue. The enemy has tricked Christians into believing that anxiety, fear, and depression are merely mental illnesses. In reality, they are demonic entities that have taken up residence.

📖 Hosea 4:6 says “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge..”

I am living proof. Despite being saved, despite having a deep love for God, despite being born again, I was being destroyed by the enemy because I did not know how to deal with him. And neither did anyone around me.

I praise God for setting me free. 🙌🏻

Learning to Pray

~ Observant Servant

Prayer for Beginners

In my personal prayer life, I have found that I always begin my prayers with a thankful heart. The Lord gives us so much to be thankful for from the time we wake up to the moment we go to bed. His grace is continuous. Sometimes I feel led to just pray a prayer of thanksgiving. The Lord knows what we need even before we ask. There are times when I will come to Him with a list of people and things to pray for and about and I don’t even get to the list because I just feel led to praise Him and thank Him during my prayer time.

Every day is a gift within a gift. It’s another chance to work for Him; another chance to get close to Him. Being thankful for everything He has done, everything He is doing, and everything He will do. He is so good that it is impossible to not find anything to be thankful for even in the direst of times.

 “Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;” –Ephesians 6:18 KJV

  In the beginning of my walk (as a newly born again Christian) I found it a bit difficult to pray for myself. Praying for others came easily! I was surrounded by people who were unsaved. God had just revealed to me a portion of the depths of His love for us and the abundance of grace that He had to offer. I wanted everyone in my life to have that. I wanted them to experience the true feeling of what it was like to be set free. To be forgiven. To know, without a doubt, that their eternal life was secure in Christ. I would spend considerable amounts of time in prayer begging and pleading for God to intervene and soften the hearts of those around me so that they might also find the road to salvation. I would pray for everyone else first but when it came to praying for me personally, I felt hindered. I already had Jesus. What more could I possibly need?

I found it difficult to ask for even the smallest of things, let alone plead for myself and my desires. It was almost as if I felt guilty for taking up the time of my Creator to ask for anything so prayers for myself were cut short as possible. Eventually the Lord showed me that those feelings were lies from the enemy. Satan will do all he can to drive a wedge between us and the Father. I found the recognizing these feelings as actual spiritual attacks embolden me to pray for myself with the same effort as praying for others.

  It is important to pray intensely for others but remember to put forth that same earnest when praying for yourself. Think if you had a son, daughter or spouse who had a need or desire and they just barely mentioned it at all. What kind of relationship would that be? God wants us to bring our desires up in prayer. He wants to provide for us the way a Father does. It is who He is. It is His nature. Let the Spirit lead you in prayer. Move with Faith. Talk to Him every day, several times a day. The Lord never tires of hearing from us.